I am in a funk. I am realizing

that I am afraid. I am afraid of consequences and

of what people think and afraid of being

scared and of being upset and of being weird and of

falling and breaking and missing out and

all the feelings are wrapped up inside me. I just want

it all I want to feel and love and

scream and breathe and smile and enjoy and laugh

and travel and explore and adventure and do and be and stay

and go and not just exist anymore

like I have been. I’m stuck in a rut and I just want to get

out. I need to do it all. I want to

scream at the top of my lungs and have no one

stare with their unloving eyes and I want to go somewhere

where I know no one and leave knowing

everyone I want to complete an adventure and say “I

did it.” I want to breathe and feel life

fill my lungs wholly and completely and I just want to feel

happy. 

Such an amazing skill photography is the hand eye coordination required

is impeccable, so simple yet so creative and incredible

I think it is the simplicity that actually appeals to me you see I’ve

never really been good at anything everything

was always so difficult

too complicated for me to really stick with, but the actual task of

looking through one lens zooming a little bit and pressing

one button is not too daunting, but yet you capture

such a perfect moment one that will never be repeated so unique to any others

and can never be compared to anything you will ever feel and not

only the satisfaction of presenting a moment in the

form of substance, an actual

memory there on a piece of glistening paper can make someone so happy

not only the satisfaction of their reaction, but the

appreciation given from the receiver is something that like

this moment can never be repeated or compared to anything that

you will ever feel again.

This is a poem with no punctuation but words that float

out with such ease like butterflies escaping a predator or birds flying

south for the winter and clicks of a pen and pitter patters

of a keyboard form words form phrases form clauses form sentences

form paragraphs form page after page of

feelings emotions prose rhymes anything and everything is

considered poetry these days, but oh no

this is not poetry this is just a girl hiding behind the opaque screen

of a computer just like anyone else writing out her feelings with a

thesaurus by her side trying to sound intelligent and pressing the enter key

at random like here

and then inserting an intense thought that she worked on for hours trying

to find the best connection of adjectives nouns prepositions conjunctions

trying to push her brain into remembering all those years of English

class she thought were pointless, but now she needs

and now she’ll press enter a few more times like right here

keep pressing it until the poem is just the right shape

pauses at all the right times and it looks not too long not too short just

right and she doesn’t tell anyone about this special project of her

even though it’s ongoing, every experience during the day

will eventually become a poem every person she encounters every word

spoken in conversation is meaningful, but alas

all she’s doing is typing out one big long huge ginormous run on

sentence and pressing the enter key whenever her pinky

feels like it.

And there are always those days where you can go without anything and there

are always those people who can go without everything all

at once and can have nothing and be completely satisfied however

not all of us are like that not all of us have the skill of turning

nothing into something and making adventures out of a walk down a street

but without feelings and without emotion and without people is something I

happen to be rather

skilled at I pride myself in my ability to take care of myself

needing no one nothing that I can’t get myself because that is the point I like

relying on no one because

without dependence there is more simplicity

and without others there is less drama or fighting

and when I go without love or closeness there is

absolutely no chance of getting hurt. So you see that sometimes without

is really more.

I love you

There’s someone else

Once upon a time I was little I was naiive I didn’t know what anything

meant and people would say waxing and I would think

candles

and they would say spooning and how it was so cute

so sweet so enjoyable so great to show affection so I would think

spoons

I thought you gave someone a spoon and then

you played with it

until you were done and then you fell in love and made a

baby, and then I grew up and my dreams

were crushed and I found out that spooning wasn’t what

you did when you gave someone a spoon it was what you did when

you gave someone your heart.

Options are stupid useless pointless vain

all they do is fuck with your head and make

you think you want more than you do because you see

most people would be perfectly fine with a sandwich for lunch just a

simple sandwich bread meat cheese mayo the end that’s

it but then you give them fucking options. Pickles peppers sauce

mustard dressing lettuce onions tomatos bacon this is where

it all goes wrong this is the moment where people get greedy

then they don’t think

I like my plain sandwich

they start to think more their thoughts exploring the options like

squirrels exploring each individual branch of

a tree each one better than the next and the next thing you

know you want them all you can’t get enough you

greedy bastard you want the whole

fucking kitchen on that sandwich, only you really don’t. You don’t

want any of it all you want is the options you get a high

off these options and this is what fucks with your

brain and then all of a sudden you’re not hungry anymore.

That bitch sits silently on stone steps calmly licking

quietly judging everyone eye raping the attractive boys

as they walk past turning her nose up at the

jealous girls, who wish they were like her wish they could

have what she had on her lips had what she was displaying

and still look like she does so poised perfectly positioned

to judge the world

while she eats her ice cream on a cold December day

a day so cold with a treat just a frigid as her soul.

They expect one measly three minute commercial to change the world

maybe it seems reasonable to these famous tv stars sitting in

their large homes perfectly comfortable

cozy and happy and satisfied all the time with no problems

at all, but to the other people truly passionate about

these problems and living in these bad situations with our

world they are real and they know that three minutes of face time

from a movie star won’t do shit, it won’t fucking help

anything and so these three little minutes start more anger than

they do to help pick up trash on a beach or save a life.